Notes: These diary pages were found in a locked box hidden away long after Maud's death.They assume Sue never made it out of the madhouse.

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From the Diary of Mrs Susan Rivers

By

archaeobard

February 18th 1865

You should know by now that I had every intention of sending you to that place. Was my ruse really so believable that you fancied yourself in love with me? Truly, I should be on the stage. You must think me very cruel. I am not; I merely exhibit the basest of functions for my own survival. If you were in my place, what would you have done? The exact same, no doubt, and could I have blamed you? No. This is not some trite explanation seeking absolution; you are nothing more to me than a tool or some clay I modelled to the desired shape.

I have over the years kept a close watch on you. I know that the doctors began your re-education, believing your memory lost and replaced by coarser things. Honestly, I think this affair has been the best thing for you as you have far more now than you ever did.

Richard has conceded that we send fifty pounds a year so you are in some comfort and are not in the shabby state of the other disaffected creatures or cretinous. I am certain you are well and have perhaps found a friend who may remind you of me. Although, if you remember, there are no girls like me.

Richard has been very good and true to his word. We live in a fine house by the river at Chelsea with large rooms and good servants. My maid, Elsie, cannot however, hold a candle to you, though you were never truly a maid. Strange how you were also in rôle.

I have married him since his divorce of you, though it is in name only and we keep separate rooms. I have my friends and he has his. He allows me the freedom to pursue my interests and desires and in turn Society knows nothing of the men he brings to the house. It is called a marriage of convenience and you would be surprised how many there are in London. Of course marriage gives many men the security to venture after what they really want. Indeed, such men as Richard often marry women such as myself for such reasons. It would be quite scandalous otherwise.

In all truth, we only see each other when needs must regarding a household matter or a social occasion where he requires my presence. He is trying his hand at politics, but only I think so he can swindle the government. I have truly become his accomplice.

March 5th 1865

I took Lady Wainscott to tea and found that her hands were so like yours that I could not keep my eyes from them. She thought me a strange, small thing and asked if she could call on me. I asked if her husband should mind and she said that he would not; nor does he enquire about her social engagements. Indeed I believe the Lady and myself may be of a like mind. It is true; I would like to feel your hands upon me, even if they are attached to another.

March 7th 1865 The dear Lady was a dear bore, not as like minded as I had been led to believe. She had a blue fit when I placed my hand upon her knee and enunciated my desperate desire for her touch. Richard has forbid me to see her again for she may have a loose tongue that could cause him problems. Perhaps if I wish to feel your hands, I should go to the source?

March 10th 1865

Should I tell you how Richard did it? He thought it would be a very good plan if you were enamoured of me. I must admit, it was enjoyable, made even more so by the villainous nature of it. Did you not think that when I kissed you back with fervour that I may not have been an innocent girl? Shame on you if you did not think it, for that very moment was you undoing and my making. I had you even as you took me. Why did you not speak out against my later coldness? Were you so ashamed by what you had done; corrupted a lady, that you could not utter anything of it? Well, I shall have my answers, for I shall see you on the 'morrow, the plan is in place.

March 11th 1865

How white you looked, how pale! Still, you could not speak to me, merely wail and howl 'til you were taken from the room and held down by straps. Is that the correct way to be in the company of the lady who has given so much to you? Really you are an ungrateful fiend. I followed them to the strapping room and watched as you were bound. The leather must have cut and chaffed as you struggled against it, all the while with your wild eye upon me.

What were you thinking? Did you think I had loved you? There is a difference between physical want and the heart; want is easily assuaged through many means and just as easily dismissed. The heart is an altogether different matter about which I know nothing. Though there was some feeling in my heart as you lay immobile, so I touched your face and felt you jerk and spring against your bonds. Your eye was burning with a fire and your teeth bit against the curb. How like a child you were, squirming.

March 16th 1865

I did not see you for three days as I was afraid of another outburst. I had hoped the strapping would calm you, or at least temper your response so you would not suffer the same treatment. A dog that is beaten learns to fear its master. Apparently this is true, for when I next saw you; you held your howling tongue.

"Hello, Maud," I said as the attendants left us.

You said nothing, but your eye burned as you took up the chalk and turned to your slate. You wrote four words: I AM SUSAN TRINDER.

I glanced at your unpractised hand and smiled, "Not Smith then, I see?"

TRINDER, you wrote again and I met your burning eye.

"Nor Sucksby either."

Your look was fierce at that.

"Oh yes, I know where you are from and who tended you. So, what of TRINDER, such an uncommon name in London for a common place girl?

I saw your jaw bunch and your hand shake.

"So," I said, "you do not know your father."

"No more than you know yours."

It was a bold statement considering the circumstances and it angered me for there was truth in it. Yet, they were your first words to me and I rejoiced in them.

"You have a tongue in that mouth after all," I said.

A sneer, "That you should know."

I did have the grace to blush, for the memory was keen.

"Why are you here?" she asked, curiosity no doubt getting the better of her.

I smiled, "I have come," I said, "to make a lady of you."

END